Gun to a Sword Fight
by Prisoner Len
Summary: Zack never was good at making comparisons. ASGCZ; oneshot.


**I should probably say that there is some inappropriate comparing between womanly body parts and bringing a gun to a sword fight.**

**And now that I've said it, I should also probably say that I used said line in real life. And it felt amazing. And then I used it in this story. So enjoy.**

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><p>Cloud was not that into fighting. He was a protector at heart—but fighting? Fighting and Cloud Strife did not go hand in hand. His aim was absolutely terrible with the guns they used in training, and his ability with a sword was only slightly better than completely sucking at it. Deep down, he knew he would never make it far as a SOLDIER, but his lovers were more than enough reason to stick around. Well, that and the fact that going back home meant probably becoming a farmer and being around cows for the rest of his life. And really, he wasn't a fan of cows. They were big, they smelled bad, and one of them once peed on his leg.<p>

Despite his aim, he preferred to use a gun than a sword; the sound of bullets hitting a monster didn't make him want to vomit. Skin shredding and bones splitting from a sword tearing through monsters? The made him want to puke. And not the "Oh shit, my stomach is turning" kind of puke. The projectile-vomit-everywhere-and-all-over-everyone's-shoes kind of puke. It wasn't pretty, nobody liked it, and it had gotten him in a lot of trouble once—twice if he counted the time he'd thrown up on Genesis during a training session.

So of course, when Zack suggested Cloud join his lovers in some training, he insisted on taking a gun.

Zack, however, did not approve.

The teens were sprawled out across the General's bed—Zack laying on his stomach, kicking his legs back and forth, while Cloud was attempting to do his homework. And failing because every single time he tried to write an answer, his boyfriend took that precise moment to shift his weight, make the whole bed move, and cause the writing to become a giant scribble across the notebook. The page was a horrendous jumble of numbers, scribbles, crossed out words, and eraser shavings, and Zack was damn determined to force the blonde cadet to take a sword to train with.

"You can't take a _gun_ to train with Seph, Spike." Zack whined, flopping down and—again—messing Cloud up. "That's like taking a vagina to a dick-measuring contest!"

The blonde paused and slowly turned to regard Zack with a completely baffled look. He was quiet for a moment, trying to work out what the hell had just been said to him. And then he frowned. "Zack, those two things are _nothing_ alike."

"What? Yes they are!" the SOLDIER disagreed, cocking an eyebrow. "If you take a gun to a sword fight, Seph's just going to take your arm off."

"And exactly how is that like taking a…" Cloud paused, shifted uncomfortably, then shrugged one shoulder and continued. "Well, what you said."

"Because you can't hit people with a vagina!" Zack pointed out, as though it was completely obvious and Cloud was just ignorant.

"This is ridiculous. You're ridiculous." Cloud murmured, returning to his homework. "It'll be fine."

"Whatever you say, Spike." his boyfriend answered in a sing-song voice, rolling onto his back. "But if you get your virtual arm hacked off, I don't want to hear about it!"

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><p>Virtual training with Genesis, Angeal, Zack, and Sephiroth was like nothing Cloud had ever experienced; Genesis was fast—really fast—and kept killing Cloud. And then he would apologize over, and they'd start again. And he would kill Cloud. Again. Zack was a complete <em>idiot<em>. Twice, he tripped over his own feet. Once, he tried to _kiss_ Cloud during the training because Cloud looked "so adorable all virtual-like". And three times, he had walked right into Sephiroth's sword. In fact, the blonde was beginning to think his lover was a complete goof that wasn't capable of handling his high level missions.

And then he walked up to Cloud, told him he loved him, hugged him… and stabbed him in the stomach.

And as the program ended for the umpteenth time, Cloud flopped to the floor, then kicked his gun across the room with an irritated sigh. Zack stretched his arms high above his head and gave a lazy yawn, sinking down next to the cadet and patting him on the back while Sephiroth, Angeal, and Genesis discussed Zack and Cloud's progress.

"See? What'd I tell you?" Zack said, ruffling the blonde spikes. "It's like bringing a vagina to a dick-measuring contest."

The murmur of conversation came to a dead halt, and Cloud lifted his bright blue eyes from the tiled floor of the training room to the confused and shocked expressions on his older three lovers' faces. For a long moment, they just stood there, staring at Zack, then Cloud, and then Zack again.

"What the _shit_ did you just say?" Genesis spluttered, scarlet eyebrows high. "Zackary Fair, what the _hell_ have you been saying to Cloud?"

Sephiroth turned to Angeal, frown on his face. And before Angeal could avoid the potentially awkward question from the incredibly sheltered General, the man cocked his head to the side and asked, "A vagina is a woman's penis, correct?"

And all eyes turned to Sephiroth, who had an honest-to-goodness look of pure confusion on his face. Angeal stumbled over his words, cleared his throat, shifted his weight, and merely nodded stiffly. With that bit of clarification, Sephiroth turned a glare on Zack, one hand on his hip.

"Why are you teaching Cloud about vaginas?" he demanded, narrowing his eyes.

"_What_? I'm not!" Zack defended himself, jaw dropping. "I told him not to bring a gun to training because it would be like taking a vagina to a dick-measuring contest!"

"People actually have contests for that? I want to join—" Sephiroth started curiously.

"Okay!" Genesis quickly interrupted the General's obsessive need to win. "Zack, how the _hell_ do those two even go together?"

"That's exactly what I said." Cloud declared from the floor, rolling his eyes. "He said it's because—"

"You can't hit people with vaginas!" Zack finished happily, nodding his head.

Again, silence settled over the training room.

Because Zack was comparing training to dick-measuring contests. And it was so _weird_ that no one really knew what to make of it.

Angeal cleared his throat. "What do you all want for dinner?" he asked, changing the subject.

"Pizza." Sephiroth answered quickly, narrowing his eyes at Zack's half-open mouth. "I want pizza. We're having pizza."

"Pizza it is." Angeal declared. He then turned on his heel and rushed out of the training room, Genesis trailing behind after casting Zack another odd look.

Cloud climbed to his feet, dusted off his pants, and quickly headed after them, grabbing Sephiroth's hand as he passed. Zack remained on the floor, tapping his chin in thought. Then his eyes widened and—looking like he'd had some grand revelation—he took off after his lovers.

"Guys! I thought of something better!" he shouted, dashing down the hall after them. "It's like feeding a giraffe a chocobo!"

"Zack, that doesn't even make sense." Cloud groaned, slamming his face down into his palm.

"But—"

"Zackary, please shut up." Genesis sighed, tugging the raven-haired teen closer. He planted a kiss on his lips, then patted the top of his head. "No more."

"Okay, but—"

"I said _no more_." Genesis hissed, slapping his shoulder.

"Fine." Zack grumbled, crossing his arms and leaning his head against Angeal's shoulder as they walked.

True, nobody really understood the comparisons Zack tried to make. And sure, they pretty much never made any sense at all. But they loved him, despite how weird he was.

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><p><strong>Sorry it's all short and shit. I was going to put it in Take Me to the Zoo, but I haven't done an actual oneshot in awhile, so I figured eh, why not?<strong>

**Thanks for reading. Leave me a review?**


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